Tomorrow I’m beginning a 7-day blog challenge issued by Live Your Legend.
Today, I’m wondering why.
I’ve done a blog challenge before (and then failed to write another post after it was done).
Why did I press “take this challenge”?
Cue VIH (Voice In Head)…”Seriously, Shelley, that’s not really a challenge.”
Writing isn’t necessarily a big challenge for me, but the WHY sure is. I guess I need to sort out my WHYs.
Lately I’ve been thinking blogs aren’t that relevant and nobuddy cares to read that “blah blah blah me me me me me me blah blah blah.”
I guess I’m not very interested in people’s empowerment and personal growth stories any more. Maybe I’m tired of my own personal growth story because it’s boring as fuck.
I thought I was really making moves with my life, connecting with myself, learning new skills, living in my values, pushing my limits and building a meaningful momentum towards some thrilling shit I find deeply fulfilling. I’m doing all those things and, at this point, it’s really not.
I look back over this past year and see that I’ve basically made the same life-soup over and over again. Ok, maybe I used different quantities of the different ingredients, or hit it with some spice here and there, and maybe I changed the soup’s name- but I’m using the same fucking container, the same tools and economically-sensible basic ingredients. This soup is so faded and dissatisfying!!!!!
What happened???? WHY???????????
I’m an artist. I create art. I play with ideas and expressions. I made cards out of my artwork recently and I think they’re pretty fucking great. My mixed-media art and collages are meaningful and provoke thought. I have some people who give me feedback, support and company. But often I feel like it hits a wall and most people don’t understand me, or even want to have a conversation about the messages they are picking up from my art, or even worse-they don’t pick up any messages at all. I feel alone. I feel like screaming. I feel confused about my motives and my future. I want to change my life and I want company. I can’t make the same lame soup anymore.
2 years ago I talked about leaving my nursing career behind. I was so burned out. I created extra special suffering by blaming myself, second-guessing and trying to continue/not give up so I could provide for my family. What I ended up providing for my family was a walking-dead version of myself.
I ended up taking time off to reset last year and have been healing through art and self-exploration. I guess I’m in a new place now, one that doesn’t make or serve soup anymore, but still wants something hearty on the menu. Something NEW!
So I guess, that’s WHY enough for now.
I’m changing my life again…still…more.
The REAL challenge is letting go of the old story and creating the new.